Recalling

maybe i should rant about things that i feel sometimes, about you. I won't mention names, i won't tell about events because i don't want anyone to know who i'm talking about. I do not love him anymore, i still care, i just don't show it. It doesn't mean i'll try to steal him away or take him back, i'm not that kind of person, his happiness is something i want. So if he's with a girl who he love, i'm happy for him, if he's sad, i'll just have to watch from a far and feel sad too.. but this is what i have to do i guess, there's no other way, some loves just never get their happy ending, and we have to accept it, because this is life, accept, let go and move on. When i think back now about us, i realised so many things, they say there's always a reason for everything, i still haven't find a reason why God let you in my life, to make me a stronger person? I guess so, but that's because i avoid everything now, i avoid guys that i may be attracted to, i avoid getting attached to people, i flirt without putting feelings into it, and now people say i'm heartless and playing people's feeling most of the time, i'm just avoiding love i guess, the truth is i've met a few that i liked after you, but i was afraid of committing, i left before they leave and so in the end i'm all alone again. I remember when i was with you.. seems like yesterday, it's true when they tell you that love comes around when you least expect it. I never even thought that i would see you again after the first time we met, i don't know, but i loved you, everything part of you, those flaws you had, i didn't mind, i still loved you even if you were on your worst or best, i just wanted to spent every single day with you. believe it or not, you were the first guy that i really cared about , when i'm out shopping, i will ask myself what you would like and what i could get for you, i would ask myself if you're eating well, i just wanted you to be there beside me. you were even the first guy that i wanted to bring home, to show to my parents even if my parents disagreed, i just wanted to share to you with everyone. I never thought of you leaving, because we were so in love, you made me the happiest girl, but i guess i never knew how people could change so fast, feelings change, and people leave and we can't do anything about it. After you left, i changed, you could say i was dead on the inside, i couldn't think, i couldn't do anything, feels like you're lost, like you don't know where to go from here anymore, and it feels like you can never move on from it. It's just the worst feeling, the pain was unimaginable, only people who went through it before would know how it feels like.. even after one year you'll still be the only thing on my mind, i couldn't find anyone like you, closed myself from everything, because i swore to myself that i wouldn't let myself get hurt like that anymore. i'll go home and cry after i see you, i just couldn't live with anything anymore at that time.. sometimes i'll be ok after a long time, but the truth is, there would be nights before i go to sleep, you'll be that last thing on my mind, i keep rewinding about you and me, i didn't want to let go even if it hurts so much. because letting go means forgetting about you, and i didn't want to forget, you did hurt me so so much.. but when i was with you i never felt the kind of happiness before.. maybe that's why it took so long for me to forget, now i'm fine, i could really tell you straight up that i'm fine, that i don't love you anymore, dated some after you, none of them i loved like you, no one. i don't know why, maybe i just haven't find the right one, which is fine, i'm not ready yet and i know that, so for now i'll just be fine alone, being with friends and really having a real smile on my face is great. just feel better after blogging about this after so long. i'm not in love with him, i was for a long time, and i was always will, but in a different way, as a friend. i tried, but i got tired.. because i couldn't handle it anymore, but you're not like other boys to me, 20 years down the road, you'll still be the one i can never forget.. you showed me something i couldn't see when i was alone, and it was love, even if it ended, even if it will never happen again, it's ok, it was real and i am thankful for that. 6p.m. i'll never forget.