Remember what you deserve

finally back on this dead blog, only blog when i have the urge to like now. So i shall do it and maybe express what i've been thinking/feeling especially recently. But before that are just random photos i saw on Facebook from so long ago and some of the memories and free time i had before. miss those days, can't compare to the shitty and lifeless time i have in this country. But it has been a forced productive few months being dragged back to indonesia. After getting used to it after a few months i realized the good outcomes that comes along with it. if i would have stayed in singapore i don't know what i'll be doing now and maybe screwing up everything. maybe it was a good thing that i cleared my mind and got away from all those past before. i'm proud to say that i changed i guess, cutting down on sticks which i kinda had been nagged out of like crazy. i'm starting to feel more aware of the consequences and actually being more scared of getting into big troubles not like when i was back there, so much for self-conscious huh? i hope that doesn't make a me a less fun person. i wouldn't want to change myself completely because there are some good things that i like about my personality i guess. so i haven't been going back to singapore for the past 1 and a half month. really sucks. but i'll being going back next friday finally because i'm almost done with my papers! fuckyeah!!! done with pretty much all except for the last 2 papers of accounting next week. please please let me pass at least, hardest subject which i have no interest in even though i know it's going to be useful for me in the future. << ok kill me then. 

so does making me posting emo tweets make me a sad person? cause honestly these few weeks has been kinda great. like honestly besides being in this country, i'm feeling honestly satisfied and finally happy. not the happiness i get because someone made me feel special, or because someone loves me, nothing related to anyone. i'm just happy, being my own person, having friends that are there for me. why am i happy? i guess it's because it's been a long time since i got off the who "relationship" thing. and it doesn't mean that i was with someone or dating, i was never emotionally happy because i was always caring for one person or another, and having placed your happiness based on them will get you nowhere but heartbreak, disappointment and hurt. 

i do agree that when you have a certain special someone, and when times are great, when they make you feel like someone special, when you feel a certain kind of love. yes nothing could compare, no happiness could compare to that. but what usually comes after that? everything ends. especially at an age like this, even the strongest people fall, cause nothing is forever. love is never enough and sometimes the people that we think we know becomes people that we knew. so how are you going to respond to it when that happens? the sad truth is that there can never be an instant cure, some takes a short while, some never do. 

i guess my main point is that during this 2 months, i've cried some nights, not because i'm sad that things didn't work out, not because he moved on, not because he left. none of the above, i just honestly hoped that what we shared wasn't wasted, i just hope that i leave a certain memory in his heart. i never hope that he'll be back, i never hoped that he'll talk to me again and wish that something great would come out of it. no i never once did. After so many years of all this teenage love i finally grew up in a way and became more mature, understand better about things like this. people leave, yes it still hurts even if you knew it was coming, no doubt about that. You'll cry, and somedays you'll realize their still on your mind. but you know what's important? to remember the memories, the good ones that you two had, i promise it'll leave good tears. accept that everything do happen for a reason and that God has someone better planned for you. 

maybe it's time to learn how to love yourself again. Relationships make you put others before yourself, and sometimes you forget what really matters most. love does many things, it makes us do crazy things, sometimes things that we've never imagine of doing. But that's ok, you're not stupid for doing those. No regrets, forgive for the things that you might have done to screw things over, forgive the other party for things that they have done and you're on your way to moving on. 

i believe that some things was worth it, i do believe that a short period of time things were real, and i appreciate those times because it was what makes everything worth while. 

after having some time to myself and having time to just be on my own, i realized something that i don't think i ever would, i realized that i deserve so much more, never look down on yourself and never think that you deserve anything less. sometimes you have to just move a step back, put aside your feelings and ask yourself whether this is what you deserve. If you love them, thank them for the time you two had together and wish them the best for their future. I never sacrificed so much for any souls before, and i mean real sacrifice, i put so much and put family, studies everything on the line just for him, and never letting him know that i did all these for him. If anyone was me right now, i should be probably hating him for everything, but you know what? i don't want to. because hating would only make it harder for myself, leave a closed chapter with a clear thought, acceptance.Like i said he was the first love i really had, i have to thank him for making me a better person in the harshest way, for making me know how to think and he would always be someone in my heart but it was finally time to leave, and it was the right decision that he made himself because it was clear that nothing good was coming out of it. he deserve someone who makes him happy and so do i. I wouldn't say i miss you, i miss us? not because i don't care but i just feel nothing at this point and i feel great about it. But I honestly from the bottom of my heart wish the best for you and hope wherever life takes you, you'll be happy in the end.

Bittersweet memories
that is all I'm taking with me.
So, goodbye. Please, don't cry.
We both know I'm not what you, you need. 

I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of.
And I wish to you, joy and happiness.
But above all this, I wish you love.
And I will always love you. 

                                  WHITNEY HOUSTON - I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOu